A brief history of Nicky and Kev
By Sean Kelly

Let me take you back five long years
To the summer of ’99
When Nicky was getting desperate
And Kev was looking fine
(Perhaps I got that the wrong way round…)

When Nicky first saw Kevin
Well she knew it was forever
His eyes were bright, his clothes were tight
And yes, all made of leather!

When Kevin first saw Nicky
She was Flo to his Andy Capp
With her hand on her hip and a fag on her lip
Kev felt Cupid’s arrow go zap!

 Yes Kev was a man
with a tan and a plan
He knew before long he would date her
And date Nicky he did, our hero intrepid…
Just two years and four months later!
One might say young Kevin was nervous
He gave Nicky some “microwave” chat
That’s three-hours-worth of life story
(Including bits gory)
In something like twelve seconds flat

But they soon were at ease with each other
They talked and they danced and they kissed
And much champagne was downed
at the old Rose and Crown
So you could say from the start
they were… suited

Now here is a couple that’s bound to go far
Each likes what the other one likes
Kev sold his MG
(no more posing for he)
So they both could go cruising on bikes

And when they’re not riding their souped up machines
Around England or Denmark or France
At the other extreme
they lie flat out and beam
At the stars while they talk of romance

As for good points Kev’s got, there are rather a lot
Too many for a poem of this length
For you ladies all pining
for a man who does ironing
Well this is just one of Kev’s strengths!

For he’s handsome and funny, not tight with his money
Even puts the loo seat down when finished
OK he rides fast round bends
and breaks wind from both ends
He’s perfection, just slightly diminished!

Kev says Nicky’s capricious, and also delicious
His soul mate, he feels he is blessed
Though both are headstrong
they take turns to be wrong
A sure-fire recipe for success

 I asked Nicky and Kev what marriage would mean
Both predicted a life of adventures
“When we’re octogenarians
We’ll do bike rides, quite scary ‘uns
And wipe flies off of each other’s dentures”
 

And it would be rude
not to say thanks to Jude
In matchmaking Jude’s been quite clever
So we’re in Saffron Walden
on this day bright and golden
To see them get married – forever!

Well thanks, patient folks
that’s enough of the jokes
Cos I love both these people to pieces
Let them go forth from here
to a life full of cheer
And to make me some nephews and nieces!

It just leaves me to say
on this wonderful day
Kev, please take my sister and spoil her
And as the afternoon passes
we’ll all raise our glasses
To Moon Monkey and his Tidy Boiler!