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The event that sparked my writing career was the 2004 Barclaycard Chant Laureate competition.
Poet Laureate Andrew Motion, an Arsenal fan, announced that football chants were an art form and launched a competition to prove it.
Now I can write a silly songs and I’ve watched Coventry City since I was 8 years old (I also like football!). So I couldn’t turn down this opportunity! It's an ambition of mine to have 80,000 fans of the great game singing my words in unison at Wembley...
To cut a long story short, I wrote 50 chants and submitted the best 30. Two made the short list (out of over 1,500 entries) and one was…. runner up. The winner received £10,000 to write more chants, and I got a bottle of champagne and a certificate.
Undeterred, I contacted the promoters and asked how they thought I could capitalise on my “success”. They put me in touch with Adrian Mealing, tour manager for a whole bunch of talented poets: John Hegley, Roger McGough, Ian McMillan and countless others. “Have you thought about becoming a performance poet?” asked Adrian. I hadn’t. I’d seen John Cooper Clarke when I was a student, but I thought he was a one off.
Anyway, it’s taken me a little while to heed your advice, but thanks Adrian!
Arsenal
When We Last Lost
Going Down To Cardiff
Chelsea
No Sympathy for the Opponents
Liverpool
Beatles Medley
Manchester United
Ronaldo
Roy Keane
Enough
Big Rio
My Little John O’Shea
We Came and We Took Him Away (Saha!)
Newcastle
It’s a Given Thing
Tottenham
Wish They Could Play Like…
Next Season's New Boys?
No Reason No Rhyme
We Are Sunderland
Millwall
Those Malodorous Teams (from the Nationwide League)
Coventry City
Eric Black
What a Wonderful Goal
Another City Goal
Generally Having A Laugh At The Opposition...
Just Taking Three Points From You
We’re One-Nil Up
Are You Losing Tonight?
City at the Back (short version)
When the Ref Blows His Whistle...
You’re Not There
Offside
| Title | When We Last Lost |
| Club | Arsenal |
| Situation | Unbeaten run |
| Tune | I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You (Elvis Presley) |
| Top | Your back four Has a job to do Cos we can’t help Scoring a goal or two History says We won’t always win But I don’t know When we last lost, do you? Like the ball will flow Sweetly to Henry So the crowd all know A goal is meant to be Take a seat Please, enjoy the view Cos you won’t be Taking the points with you History says We won’t always win But I don’t know When we last lost, do you? |
| Title | Going Down To Cardiff for the Final |
| Club | Arsenal |
| Situation | FA Cup 2004 before they lost in the semi! |
| Tune | Down in the Tube Station at Midnight (The Jam) |
| Top | The deafening echo Of rampant Gooners cheering on our team Another win for The boys that we love and who love us forever One more big step To another trophy at Highbury Chelsea and United, pathetic pretenders Arsene grins at the morning papers The Red Devils got run down Arsenal caused a stir, heartbreak in Manchester Gunners on the rampage Now we’re going down to Cardiff for the Final Oh oh oh, oh… And we’re going down to Cardiff for the Final Oh oh oh, oh… |
| Title | No Sympathy For the Opponents |
| Club | Chelsea |
| Situation | Oh, you know… money to spend, games to win… |
| Tune | Sympathy For the Devil (Rolling Stones) |
| Top | Please allow us to introduce ourselves We’re a club of wealth and taste Most of our players come from far off lands So they’re blessed with skill and pace We are the best in London town We wear the blue with pride There’s no player in the whole wide world We can’t afford to have in our side Pleased to beat you Chelsea is our name Guess what’s puzzling you Is there’s no-one quite the same Ooh ooh… |
| Title | Beatles Medley (1) |
| Club | Liverpool |
| Tune | Classics all |
| Top | Yellow Submarine (for inferior opponents) Tell us whaaaat you came here for Give us three-ee points, watch us score Watch the An-field maestros play… You’re going down faster than a submarine Than a submarine, than a submarine You’re going down faster than a submarine Than a submarine, than a submarine Day Tripper (for inferior opponents) Had a bad season Taking the easy way out Too many reasons Why you’re not in with a shout Cos you are day trippers Up for one season yeah It didn’t take long to find out And you found out… Ticket to Ride (for inferior opponents) We think you’re gonna be sad We think it’s today The ‘Pool will make you look bad And beat you away We got a ticket to ride We got a ticket to ride We got a ticket to ride, and we’re OK I tell you why we’re riding so high Cos the away end is the one place to be Before we get to saying goodbye We’re gonna score one, gonna score two, score three… I Wanna Hold Your Hand (for inferior opponents) Yeah we’ve got that something We think you understand And you’ll get a thumping From the best team in the land The best team in the la-a-a-a-a-a-and The best team in the land Get Back (for inferior opponents –see a theme yet?) {Leicester} were a team Who thought they’d try the Premier But they didn’t have the class Everywhere they went It always was the same yeah They got dumped right on their ass Get back, get back Division One’s where you belong… Can’t Buy Me Love (for Everton) Say you’d got Michael Owen son We’d say that you were blessed If Steve Gerrard was at Goodison We might be more impressed But all you’ve got is Fat boy Rooney And Rooney can’t play in red Can’t play in re-ed Everyone will tell you so Can’t play in re-ed No no no,no! Lady Madonna Hey Harry Kewell Football at your feet When you dribble down the wing You look a treat Cross it for Heskey Rise above the rest Head into the corner Emile is the best! |
| Title | Ronaldo |
| Club | Manchester United |
| Player | Cristiano Ronaldo |
| Situation | Fan adulation |
| Tune | Fernando (Abba) |
| Top | Can you hear us Cristiano? Thousands singing as one man, the Stretford End, we sing your praise Can you hear us Cristiano? The crowd all stare in wonder as your jinking runs amaze As you pass the croaking left-back you have time to stop and laugh and tie your lace Can you hear us Cristiano? Thousands singing as one man, the Stretford End, our pulses race Can you hear us Cristiano? Those poor defenders tied in knots give up their pointless chase And to top it all our girlfriends like your legs and think you have the cutest face He is running down the wing tonight A marvellous sight Ronaldo He will cross the ball for Ruud to see to victory Ronaldo And you see that we could never lose Not when he plays The defenders nightmares never end Not with our friend Ronaldo |
| Title | Roy Keane |
| Club | Manchester United |
| Player | Roy Keane |
| Situation | Roy fouls (no!) |
| Tune | Jolene (Dolly Parton) |
| Top | Roy Keane, Roy Keane, Roy Keane, Roy Keane Please don’t kick him just because you can … Roy Keane, Roy Keane, Roy Keane, Roy Keane You’re heading for another three-match ban |
| Title | Enough! |
| Club | Manchester United |
| Player | Roy Keane |
| Situation | Roy fouls again (surely not!) |
| Tune | Start! (The Jam) |
| Top | Fans clap out the guitar intro… Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap-clap “Ooh, ref!” clap-clap-clap-clap It’s not important for Roy to get the ball As long as he gets one or both your legs If he can stay on the pitch for two minutes only It will be enough! Knowing that Roy in his red shirt Plays with a passion called hate And he’ll give much more than he gets… Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap-clap Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap-clap… |
| Title | Big Rio |
| Club | Manchester United |
| Player | Rio Ferdinand |
| Situation | Eight months off! |
| Tune | Fireball XL5 (TV Theme) |
| Top | Big Rio is a centre half He’s wearing number five He breaks attacks down every time He is the best alive For you our hearts won’t bleed We never will concede da, da, da-da-da-da! Cos Rio will win every ball, yes every ball And lead United on to every prize! da, da-da-da-da-da… But Rio’s got egg on his face He’s really been a mug He dashed off quick to move his house Instead of tests for drugs Though we know he was clean He went and left the scene… Now we’re not winning many balls, if any balls Our back four’s left so short of Rio’s size. |
| Title | My Little John O’Shea |
| Club | Manchester United |
| Player | John O’Shea |
| Tune | Runaway (Del Shannon) |
| Top | I’m-a watching John O’Shea Passing, scoring he controls the game Wishing you were here by me To see our victory He’s a wonder A wo- wo wo wo wonder Why Why why why why why Is he so great? It’s a wonder How well he plays My little John O’Shea My John-John-John-John John O’Shea! |
| Title | We Came And We Took Him Away (Saha!) |
| Club | Manchester United |
| Player | Louis Saha |
| Situation | Contested transfer from Fulham |
| Tune | They’re coming to take me away, (Ha haa!) (Napoleon XIV) |
| Top | Remember when we bought Louis and you got on your knees And begged him not to leave because you’d go berserk? WELL? “He’s not for sale” Chris Coleman said But we bought Louis anyhow And now you’ve gone completely out of your mind AND We came and we took him away, Saha We came and we took him away, Saho, Sahee Sahum To Old Trafford! Where life is beautiful all the time And we’re so happy to see that fit young man In his clean red shirt And we came and we took him away, Saha! |
| Title | It’s a Given Thing |
| Club | Newcastle United |
| Player | Shay Given |
| Situation | Another fine save |
| Tune | It’s a Living Thing (Electric Light Orchestra) |
| Top | He flies through the air You sure know that he’s there It’s like magic (Shay Given is fine) You can shoot all you can It’ll end in Shay’s hands Not so tragic (You’re wasting your time) And oooooooh He flies so hi-i-igh And oooooooh, woooah Higher and higher baby It’s a Given thing Your attackers can line up in queues It’s a Given thing With Shay Given we know we can’t lose |
| Title | Wish They Could Play Like Tottenham |
| Club | Spurs |
| Situation | The legendary (if not match-winning) Tottenham flair |
| Tune | David Watts (The Jam) |
| Top | Ba-ba-ba ba-ba, ba ba ba… Wish they could play like Tottenham… Wish they could play like Tottenham… Wish they could play like Tottenham… All of the teams in the Premiership Wish they could play like Tottenham We are so slick and fancy free We have Defoe and Robbie Keane… Wish they could play like … Wish they could play like … |
| Title | No Reason No Rhyme… |
| Club | Norwich |
| Situation | Champions!! |
| Tune | Yankee Doodle |
| Top | Well they’ll be in the Premiership next year, and I feel sorry for people who have to find words to rhyme with obscure pronouns… Delia Smith’s a brilliant cook She feeds our whole team porridge She makes a cracking steak au poivre But that don’t rhyme with Norridge! Chorus: We don’t care and we’re all right You’re a bunch of fairies We’re the Kings of Carrow Road We are the Canaries! Robbie Green’s so brave and true He’s well known for his courage Naturally there is just one Club for him, and that’s Nourage! Darren Huckerby is great He’s always on the forage He’d really like to score some goals But that don’t rhyme with Norage! The famous chant contest is here We wish we’d been to college We didn’t, so we didn’t learn More words to rhyme with Norwich! |
| Title | We Are Sunderland |
| Club | Sunderland |
| Tune | Going Underground (The Jam) |
| Top | Some people might say that you deserve a point Me I’m quite happy saying “No you don’t!” People can see that we tore you apart And I’m so happy I can see that Something’s happening here today A show of strength from the Sunderland boys And we’re so happy and you will find Your fans all went home when you went (one, two, three) behind Cos we got it right at the Stadium of Light And the Black Cats get what the Black Cats want Cos we’re going home with all three points We are Sunderland! Kevin Kyle and Tommy Smith go Pow Pow Pow! We are SUNDERLAND! Let the boys all sing and let the boys all shout For McCarthy! La la la la…. |
| Title | Millwall |
| Club | Millwall |
| Situation | intimidation of away fans, team, press, their wives, kids, pets… |
| Tune | Doctor Who (TV Theme) |
| Top | Den-de-den, Den-de-den, Den-de-den, Den… Den-de-den, Den-de-den, Den-de-den, Den… Den-de-den, Den-de-den, Den-de-den, Den… Den-de-den, Den-de-den, Den-de-den, DEN!!!… (builds to crescendo, and a section of the crowd continue to sing this behind these lyrics…) Millwall… MILL-WALL!!! Come and play at the New Den Millwall… MILL-WALL!!! You won’t beat us at the Den Come, get beat go home again… Den-de-den, Den-de-den, Den-de-den, Den… |
| Title | Those Malodorous Teams! |
| Situation | Premiership Pretenders…! |
| Tune | Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines |
| Top | I imagine WBA hearing this everywhere they go next season… Those malodorous teams from the Nationwide League They come up tiddle-up up They go down tiddle-own down They don’t have what it takes for the Premiership So they’re up tiddle-up up Then they’re down tiddle-own down Up! Down! Clowning around Chasing the points like a knackered old hound They’re Not Long on the scene Those malodorous teams Those malodorous teams Those malodorous teams from the Nationwide League! |
| Title | Eric Black |
| Club | Coventry City |
| Player | Eric Black (Manager) |
| Situation | Our inevitable return to the Premiership!!! |
| Tune | Black is Black (Los Bravos & others) |
| Top | Eric Black (Black, ooh ooh) Has brought the City back! (Has got the bloody sack!) We’ve found our groove (ooh, oo-oove) Now we’re on the move oh-oh So Nationwide Goodbye,eye,eye-eye-eye From the Sky Blues! |
| Title | What a Wonderful Goal |
| Club | Coventry City |
| Situation | A rather good goal… (like ALL of our goals!) |
| Tune | What a Wonderful World (Louis Armstrong) |
| Top | I see grass of green, players in Sky Blue I see them score for me and you And I think to myself: “What a wonderful goal” I see scarves of blue, oh what a sight Our boss is Black, and his team’s a delight And I think to myself: “What a wonderful goal” The heroes of the City wear the colour of the sky With smiles upon our faces, cos we are flying high We shout and we sing, “Play up Sky Blues” We’re really singing WE LOVE YOU The away fans are crying, I watch them go I’ve been through more than they’ll ever know And I think to myself: “What a wonderful goal” And I sing to myself: “What a wonderful goal” Oh yeah! |
| Title | Another City Goal |
| Club | Coventry City |
| Situation | Goal! |
| Tune | King Creole (Elvis Presley) |
| Top | You know it’s gone gone gone Hit the net and nearly made a hole, yeah Oh yes it’s gone gone gone Another CITY goal ! |
| Title | Just Taking 3 Points From You |
| Club | Any |
| Situation | Sung by winning home team |
| Tune | Stuck in the Middle With You (Stealers Wheel) |
| Top | Well we don’t know why you came here today Did someone tell you that you could play? Though you look the part in your trendy kit Underneath it all you’re really quite poor Clowns in midfield for you, jokers at the back Here we are, just taking three points from you Well you’ve travelled here from home And you’re so proud that you just found the place But you’re going home with nothing Even if you say ple-e-e-e-ease, ple-e-e-e-e-ease Trying to make some sense of it all But you can’t even get a touch of the ball We run round you like you’re all made of wood And you must admit you’re not very good Clowns in midfield for you, jokers at the back Here we are, just taking three points from you Well you started out with nothing And guess what – you’ve got nothing now And your fans all go home crying Begging you for points Saying ple-e-e-e-ease, ple-e-e-e-e-ease Yes we’re just taking three points from you And you know you make it easy to do Yes our song is full of mocking derision Cos we can’t believe you’re in our division Clowns in midfield for you, jokers at the back Here we are, just taking three points from you |
| Title | We’re One-Nil Up… |
| Club | Any |
| Situation | Goal scored |
| Tune | All Shook Up (Elvis Presley) |
| Top | Well bless my soul, what’s wrong with you? |
| Title | Are You Losing Tonight? |
| Club | Any |
| Situation | Magnanimously pointing out an opposing team’s shortcomings |
| Tune | Are You Lonesome Tonight? (Elvis Presley) |
| Top | Are you losing tonight (today)? |
| Title | City at the Back |
| Club | Any |
| Player | Unlucky defende |
| Situation | Singing the praise of an opposing defender who scores an own goal |
| Tune | Leader of the Pack (Shangri-la’s) |
| Top | (immediately after own goal): We’re glad he plays for [City, Villa, Chelsea…] at the back! |
| Title | You’re Not There |
| Club | Any |
| Player | A naughty boy, whoever he is! |
| Situation | Opposing player sent off |
| Tune | She’s Not There (The Troggs, Santana) |
| Top | You’d better go have a bath now Well it’s too late to say you’re sorry ‘Cos that last tackle was just criminal |
| Title | Offside |
| Club | Any |
| Situation | The wonderful offside rule! |
| Tune | Rawhide (Frankie Laine - “yee-hah’s optional) |
| Top | Movin’ movin’ movin’ Although the rule’s confusin’ Rollin rollin rollin (sarcastically) Get your flaggy pole out Get your flag (Get your flag!) Tell the ref! (Tell the Ref!) |
